I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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