I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
