A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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