Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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