that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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