I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
