If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
