He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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