So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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