i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
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Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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