I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
