Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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