I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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