it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
