hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
