There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I puked a lego.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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