Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
