I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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