He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
