U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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