if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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