the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
