im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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