Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
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Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”