Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I came so hard my ears popped.