2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
