I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
