I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
