I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
