I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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