He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
tell me about the eggs
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
