no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
