I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
