If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
