I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just threw up on my dentist
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
