All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Randomize
