im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
