I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
barbara walters just said penis...
Too much gin, very little bucket
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
