C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
