OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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