Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
