I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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