It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Randomize
