3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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