he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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