i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
