i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
