She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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