I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
