Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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