I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
