i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
