Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
