my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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