There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
