I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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